Watch this trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zxbiNWSNPTk

Ok did you watch it?

You’re lying. Go back and *actually* watch it. I’ll wait.

You still didn’t watch it did you?

Oh well, I quit caring.

Ice Age 2012. Oh man. This one. Yeah.

I think I legitimately might be the only person who ever watched this ultra low budget disaster film, as the extend of the wikipedia plot summary reads like the blurb on the back of a dvd. And if this thing ever made it to DVD, I would be shocked. No, wait. I would be *FROZEN*. Because the movie’s called Ice Age. Get it?

Here’s the plot: A scientist of some kind sends his daughter off from Maine to New York to go to college. 20 seconds later he finds out that a giant volcano exploded and sent a glacier moving at super high speeds towards, well, south. Apparently this is a huge threat to mankind (according to the trailer), despite the fact that it never really threatens anything outside of the eastern seaboard of the USA. Anyway, scientist picks up his ex-wife who is a worse actress than he is, and they take their retard son on a road trip south to save their daughter, all while trying to dodge the effects of this super high speed glacier. They save her. The end.

No really. That’s it. that’s all you missed. I know I put that disclaimer in the other ones that these are b-movies and acting skill doesn’t matter. But heilige kuh these guys were horrible. That scene at the end of the trailer where the woman standing outside gets smashed at the end of her sentence? That scene went on for like 45 seconds. “Don’t worry guys. Everything is going to be alright. I know what I’m doing. I’m a professional. I’m going to go get us help and you can just stay right here. I promise you, everything is going to be al”SMASH. BUT IT WAS LONGER THAN THAT.

The main actor may have been bad, but he did seem like an ordinary joe shmoe. That maybe kind of works. The wife? She just sounded bored the entire time. The kid? HA!

Special effects are another thing you really shouldn’t bitch about with these films, though it’s amazing they’re all so FX intensive when their budgets are so tiny. But, well, ok. So they’re sitting in their van trying to get to New York, and they stop because another family on the road might need help. The family is just standing there, in the window, waving like it was a shitty vacation video, with fake ice effects in front of them. And they stayed on that shot for several seconds and went back to it more than once. It was just… awkward. All the while, the main family arguing about whether they should pick them up. They finally decide they don’t have time, even though in the two minutes of the conversation, looking awkwardly out at the strange waving family, they could have just loaded them and been off.

I like my syfy originals. I get a sick pleasure from films that are 72% stock footage. But really. Let this one stay in the freezer.

HA! Get it? Another ice pun.

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